I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
