Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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