a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
