On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
