I think I am morally bankrupt
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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