Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
