I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Randomize
