how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
