I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
