Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
