May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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