Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
