I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
