finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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