She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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