So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Just invented taco cereal.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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