dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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