Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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