Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
