Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
