I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Randomize
