He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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