You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
