Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
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i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
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Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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