y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
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