Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I cut my penus on the lid.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
