I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
