my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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