i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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