tonight lets celebrate not being married
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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