bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Randomize
