is your mom at the bar?
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
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