she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
