I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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