I smell stomach acid.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
