just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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