So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
BRING THE BAGELS
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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