when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
