I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
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