Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
