Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
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