I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Randomize
