Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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