why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
