Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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