I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
