What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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