I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
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