I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
He felt like a one man threesome
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
