This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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