So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Randomize
