we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
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Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
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Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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