I can feel you judging me through the phone.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
