i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
