My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
