based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
