sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
