I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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