Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
